Nuttier than a Squirrel turd.
That's handier than a pocket on a shirt.
I'd rather jump barefoot off a 6-foot step ladder into a 5 gallon bucket full of porcupines than...
That makes my ass draw up so tight you couldn't drive a toothpick through it with a sledgehammer.
Tighter than a skeeter's ass in a nose dive.
He couldn't hit the ground if he fell twice!
I'm so hungry, I'd eat the balls off a low flying duck!
She's wound up tighter than the girdle of a baptist minister's wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.
That’s harder than a choir boy in a porn shop
Nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut festival.
Her behind looks like a couple of squirrels fightin' over an acorn in a gunny sack.
You got to be 10% smarter than the equipment you're runnin'.
My sister is soooooo ugly, we had to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dogs to play her.
Her ass was so big, it looked like two Buicks fighting for a parking place.
Busier than a cat covering up shit on a concrete floor.
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on your saddle.
What’s Up, Slick?
That’s slicker than greased goose shit.
That’s slicker than snot on a doorknob.
Slicker than a minnow’s dick.
Slicker than two eels fuckin’ in a bucket of snot.
Slick as snot on a goat’s glass eye.
This old truck wouldn’t pull a slick prick out of a lard bucket.
Slicker than otter snot.
As slick as cat shit on linoleum.
Slicker than a harpooned hippo on a bananna tree.
That's slicker than snot and smashed bananas.
You can’t have chicken salad without the chicken shit.
That’s about as useful as suckin’ on a titty through a sweatshirt!
Colder then day old penguin shit.
That means about as much to me as a strawberry up a bear's butt.
I was so nervous I didn't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt.
She was battin' her eyes like a toad in a hailstorm.
You walk slower then turtles in molasses fucking.
His pants were so tight if he'd a farted it'd blow his boots off.
It's hotter than a billygoat with a blowtorch.
Ain't gotta pot to piss in let alone a window to throw it out.
I'm up to my ass in alligators.
He didn't know who's weeds he was pissing in.
Funnier than a retard eatin hotwings.
That's so hard to do it'd be like trying to put butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot poker!
Faster than a cat can lick its ass.
That boy is so ugly he couldn't get laid in a whore house with a fist full of hundreds.
That girl is like a doornob...everyone gets a turn.
I'd rather stare directly at the sun with binoculars than ...
He'd bitch if you hung him with a new rope.
That smells like the shithouse door of a shrimp boat.
It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.
Let's make like a turd and hit the trail.
I'm hangin' in there like loose teeth.
Well I'll be dipped in shit and rolled in bread crumbs.